[ The roll of bandages drops to the ground, drawing a wavy line as it unravels. She recognizes the feelings they both have, the pain of a failing body, the desire to protect above all else, the helplessness, the shock that settles in after so much death and loss—
She breathes out once everything settles and shuts her eyes to find herself again, blinking away the tears. So much more makes sense now than it doesn't. Her hands tremble, and she tries to find any words to say.
All she can think is to answer his unfinished question for now. ]
No. If he were, I wouldn't be so angry at his recklessness. He still has a life to live.
[ Her voice the usual clarity and firmness. She feels too much to not let all the trauma affect her. ]
[ the feeling of helplessness that dimitri's memory blankets them is a familiar pain that he has felt before. a pain that was unbearable for him to deal with and so did away with it. (why did they had to die in order for me to live?) he turned his heart into an unmoving ocean with a surface like glass, but that didn't happen to dimitri, did it?
no, he went through something else. in a terrible succession of memories, they unfortunately understand something about the other more than they'd like. giyuu can no longer hide the depths of his motivations. this issue now is how giyuu will have to unfortunately explain that he can't say if he survived. clearly dimitri has lived beyond his memory. he has known about shinobu for what feels like months even though it only happened moments ago back "home". but himself? ]
I don't know if that's true, Kocho. [ he says evenly. he doesn't cry like either of them but he can't face them and only grabs fistfuls of his haori—the patterned side. his voice is uncharacteristically weak. ] That's the last thing I remember before we woke up on the island.
[ does he live? does he die? he doesn't know—he only knows that he has a life to live and to cherish. he had forgotten that for so long, but now it's a life that he wants to use to protect someone. ...but is it a life that he still have? ]
[ The memories make a migraine bloom in his head; he swipes away his tears with his thumb, not bothering to hide them. There's no shame in crying, but it's strange. He's exhausted the misery of his own past enough that it shouldn't affect him so viscerally.
But compounded with everything, it's suddenly difficult to talk about it all again, so he sets aside for now, coughing once as he tries to collect himself. The ache of loss doesn't fade, the pains of three people bearing down in one small room, but he grits out some words. ]
—You could still win. You have to go back and save him, don't you—?
[ The uncertainty isn't an excuse to be reckless. It doesn't matter if Dimitri doesn't know who this boy is, Giyuu had still resolved for help him, didn't he? As for Shinobu—did she have any hope at all? He doesn't fear for her any less, just because her life might be...
Was that why she'd tricked him? Because she was already—? His chest clenches again, breaths coming out shaky. His voice comes out more exposed and raw than he means for it to—it doesn't befit his station, and he just doesn't have the heart to care right now. ]
I'm so tired of this—this miserable game. This notion of having you all taken away, again and again. Of you—rushing to whatever graves we have here.
Make it true, Tomioka. His head is gone, and even if that demon is still moving, you have a chance. You always have a chance as long as you're still standing.
[ As long as Giyuu can move, he'll always have a chance no matter how slim. There is enough hope resting on Tanjiro's shoulders to make up for the three of them, who are unsteady and reeling from one traumatic memory to the next.
She fills a glass of water, and she's not sure who it's for. Dimitri, herself, or Giyuu. She sets it down for anyone, as if a drink of water could settle any of this.
Is the glass half-full or half-empty? ]
Here, death is not the end. Please remember that. Until everyone can find a way to dismantle what's at work, we don't know who'll be targeted any given week.
[ It's an unfortunate truth. She hates thinking about it, but she can't shut her eyes to the reality. ]
I would be overcome if either of you lost your lives.
[ How far would her rage and grief go even if logically, she knows there's a place where the dead go? Where the dead can see and communicate, however piecemeal?
It's unfair of her to ask them to be more accepting of her possible death, if only because she is dead, has already died, but... ]
If I somehow do end up on that side, I will be all right.
[ if there were any thoughts running through his head about what was being said and the lingering emotions and memories that surrounded them, they all come to a screeching halt with shinobu's final words. even though he knows, he's still an idiot for thinking like this he can't stop himself. ]
Enough, Kocho. [ his head snaps up and he finds shinobu with his eyes, focusing on her. he's exhausted beyond comprehension and he's in so much pain that he can't give it the time of day or otherwise it would just consume him. ] I've seen you die twice already; I won't let myself see a third time.
[ technically he had watched her die countless of times the other week whenever he closed his eyes. her life ending by his hands. her, urokodaki tanjiro, and— ]
The same goes for you Dimitri.
[ his grip loosens on the patterned portion of his haori and he leans heavily into the bedding looking at the wall as the emotions drain from him. ]
I have no plans to die here, and I will do everything that I can to protect Tanjiro. [ his voice firm and resolute despite his appearance reflects a man who should have stopped pushing themselves miles ago. but if he was going to have a chance to do what he had set his heart on then he would have to push beyond this. he can't rest. ] We'll defeat them and we'll end it once for all. It will be the same here. We'll find the real reason for all of this and rid us of it so we can all go home.
[ He won't accept her death. He's never accepted any death, ever—he can't even accept the idea of compromising. But to Giyuu's point... he eventually nods, resolute. ]
...We will.
[ It will be the same here, but different. Better. As long as they're still standing. Still breathing, fighting.
Even if Giyuu's been reckless, to hear him say he won't die, to try and instill that same drive in Shinobu—it's important. It's not fair of him to keep demanding they live when he'd killed them both to start, but as the weeks drag out, that's what he's wanted, right? A less bloodied end to all of this.
He hadn't trusted them, but he's realizing he hadn't wanted revenge, either. He didn't want them to throw their lives away. So where does that leave him, now? He pulls himself up, even if it's only by a fraction, letting out a long, slow, stabilizing breath. ]
I have matters to attend to at home as well. I cannot afford to die. [ so they've seen, now. ] But I will not allow that to hold me back from fighting alongside the two of you.
[ He pauses, the steel in his words dulling slightly, softer. ]
...I realize I have no room to ask you to trust me after all that I've done. But I want to defeat this again. No matter the cost.
[ Even if they still have a ways to go and old hurts that heal slowly in a heart as bitter as his, even if he isn't ready to move on (because he never is), he wants to try. One step forward. ]
At least Giyuu does not get to see her die a third time because he dies at the same time. Dimitri, on the other hand—
Whatever old hurts Shinobu has from the island still linger, but they're nowhere near the forefront now that weeks have passed in the camp. There are other priorities in her mind, and as unforgiving as she can be, with these two, she doesn't want things to fester. Of all the things that can and can't be said, she wants to be as honest as she can with them.
After everything that happened on the island, that's what she wants the most. She wants them to move forward. ]
I am not going to run to death. I don't intend to die for nothing. I never do. [ It's not the same as the both of them, but it's not like she's ever wanted to die. Even at home, it wasn't because it was what she wanted. If she could have defeated Douma with the poison in her sword, if she could only decapitate him— she would've preferred that so much more, but life is not always fair.
She wants better for everyone, and that's why she smiles. ]
Have I not already told you I do trust you? That I wouldn't be afraid.
[ She meant it. Dimitri drove a dagger into her chest, but if he were going to again, wouldn't it have happened already? ]
I know you two are working your hardest to redeem what happened on the island, and I know you two want to be able to save and protect who you can. I know you both have that drive.
We will find a way to save everyone.
[ No matter the cost. No matter what must be sacrificed. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
She breathes out once everything settles and shuts her eyes to find herself again, blinking away the tears. So much more makes sense now than it doesn't. Her hands tremble, and she tries to find any words to say.
All she can think is to answer his unfinished question for now. ]
No. If he were, I wouldn't be so angry at his recklessness. He still has a life to live.
[ Her voice the usual clarity and firmness. She feels too much to not let all the trauma affect her. ]
But Dimitri...
[ Is that where his thirst for vengeance began? ]
no subject
no, he went through something else. in a terrible succession of memories, they unfortunately understand something about the other more than they'd like. giyuu can no longer hide the depths of his motivations. this issue now is how giyuu will have to unfortunately explain that he can't say if he survived. clearly dimitri has lived beyond his memory. he has known about shinobu for what feels like months even though it only happened moments ago back "home". but himself? ]
I don't know if that's true, Kocho. [ he says evenly. he doesn't cry like either of them but he can't face them and only grabs fistfuls of his haori—the patterned side. his voice is uncharacteristically weak. ] That's the last thing I remember before we woke up on the island.
[ does he live? does he die? he doesn't know—he only knows that he has a life to live and to cherish. he had forgotten that for so long, but now it's a life that he wants to use to protect someone. ...but is it a life that he still have? ]
no subject
But compounded with everything, it's suddenly difficult to talk about it all again, so he sets aside for now, coughing once as he tries to collect himself. The ache of loss doesn't fade, the pains of three people bearing down in one small room, but he grits out some words. ]
—You could still win. You have to go back and save him, don't you—?
[ The uncertainty isn't an excuse to be reckless. It doesn't matter if Dimitri doesn't know who this boy is, Giyuu had still resolved for help him, didn't he? As for Shinobu—did she have any hope at all? He doesn't fear for her any less, just because her life might be...
Was that why she'd tricked him? Because she was already—? His chest clenches again, breaths coming out shaky. His voice comes out more exposed and raw than he means for it to—it doesn't befit his station, and he just doesn't have the heart to care right now. ]
I'm so tired of this—this miserable game. This notion of having you all taken away, again and again. Of you—rushing to whatever graves we have here.
no subject
[ As long as Giyuu can move, he'll always have a chance no matter how slim. There is enough hope resting on Tanjiro's shoulders to make up for the three of them, who are unsteady and reeling from one traumatic memory to the next.
She fills a glass of water, and she's not sure who it's for. Dimitri, herself, or Giyuu. She sets it down for anyone, as if a drink of water could settle any of this.
Is the glass half-full or half-empty? ]
Here, death is not the end. Please remember that. Until everyone can find a way to dismantle what's at work, we don't know who'll be targeted any given week.
[ It's an unfortunate truth. She hates thinking about it, but she can't shut her eyes to the reality. ]
I would be overcome if either of you lost your lives.
[ How far would her rage and grief go even if logically, she knows there's a place where the dead go? Where the dead can see and communicate, however piecemeal?
It's unfair of her to ask them to be more accepting of her possible death, if only because she is dead, has already died, but... ]
If I somehow do end up on that side, I will be all right.
no subject
Enough, Kocho. [ his head snaps up and he finds shinobu with his eyes, focusing on her. he's exhausted beyond comprehension and he's in so much pain that he can't give it the time of day or otherwise it would just consume him. ] I've seen you die twice already; I won't let myself see a third time.
[ technically he had watched her die countless of times the other week whenever he closed his eyes. her life ending by his hands. her, urokodaki tanjiro, and— ]
The same goes for you Dimitri.
[ his grip loosens on the patterned portion of his haori and he leans heavily into the bedding looking at the wall as the emotions drain from him. ]
I have no plans to die here, and I will do everything that I can to protect Tanjiro. [ his voice firm and resolute despite his appearance reflects a man who should have stopped pushing themselves miles ago. but if he was going to have a chance to do what he had set his heart on then he would have to push beyond this. he can't rest. ] We'll defeat them and we'll end it once for all. It will be the same here. We'll find the real reason for all of this and rid us of it so we can all go home.
[ every single one of them. ]
no subject
...We will.
[ It will be the same here, but different. Better. As long as they're still standing. Still breathing, fighting.
Even if Giyuu's been reckless, to hear him say he won't die, to try and instill that same drive in Shinobu—it's important. It's not fair of him to keep demanding they live when he'd killed them both to start, but as the weeks drag out, that's what he's wanted, right? A less bloodied end to all of this.
He hadn't trusted them, but he's realizing he hadn't wanted revenge, either. He didn't want them to throw their lives away. So where does that leave him, now? He pulls himself up, even if it's only by a fraction, letting out a long, slow, stabilizing breath. ]
I have matters to attend to at home as well. I cannot afford to die. [ so they've seen, now. ] But I will not allow that to hold me back from fighting alongside the two of you.
[ He pauses, the steel in his words dulling slightly, softer. ]
...I realize I have no room to ask you to trust me after all that I've done. But I want to defeat this again. No matter the cost.
[ Even if they still have a ways to go and old hurts that heal slowly in a heart as bitter as his, even if he isn't ready to move on (because he never is), he wants to try. One step forward. ]
no subject
At least Giyuu does not get to see her die a third time because he dies at the same time. Dimitri, on the other hand—
Whatever old hurts Shinobu has from the island still linger, but they're nowhere near the forefront now that weeks have passed in the camp. There are other priorities in her mind, and as unforgiving as she can be, with these two, she doesn't want things to fester. Of all the things that can and can't be said, she wants to be as honest as she can with them.
After everything that happened on the island, that's what she wants the most. She wants them to move forward. ]
I am not going to run to death. I don't intend to die for nothing. I never do. [ It's not the same as the both of them, but it's not like she's ever wanted to die. Even at home, it wasn't because it was what she wanted. If she could have defeated Douma with the poison in her sword, if she could only decapitate him— she would've preferred that so much more, but life is not always fair.
She wants better for everyone, and that's why she smiles. ]
Have I not already told you I do trust you? That I wouldn't be afraid.
[ She meant it. Dimitri drove a dagger into her chest, but if he were going to again, wouldn't it have happened already? ]
I know you two are working your hardest to redeem what happened on the island, and I know you two want to be able to save and protect who you can. I know you both have that drive.
We will find a way to save everyone.
[ No matter the cost. No matter what must be sacrificed. ]