[ Giyuu is injured, and they all knew that he was going to face some retribution for it come Monday morning. He both expects this and doesn't; it's the crack of glass that catches his attention, treading out after Shinobu once she's stalked off to the nurse's office.
He'd seen glimpses of her anger, her emotion—enough that the week before was unsettling and unpleasant. But he hasn't seen it flare quite so strongly, enough to shake tears from her eyes and in her voice.
He doesn't intervene. Instead, he quietly closes the door so they don't have any intrusions, going to collect some more bandages for the both of them. ]
[ when shinobu comes storming in, it honestly comes to no surprise to him all things considered. he knew she was going furious with him the moment the voice called him out and he was assaulted. it was a matter of time, after all. he just didn't quite understand what it was going to be like. the sight of shinobu crying is one he hasn't seen before and it throws him into unknown territory immediately.
he keeps his gaze adverted from her—from the two of them. ]
I didn't.
[ he doesn't miss how dimitri managed to tag along with shinobu and he's uncertain about how he should be handling that as well. ]
[ She raises her right arm sharply, blood dripping from a cut on her palm. Her voice is raw with her tumultuous emotions, the ones she can now feel in full force. She registers that Dimitri came, too, but she is too emotional to care about more privacy. ]
You could at least look at me when you knew this was going to happen! If you feel so stupidly guilty, if you know the weight of what you did! After the island—
[ Her anger makes her choke on her words, and she has to hold herself back from grabbing Giyuu, her entire stance tense as if she wants to attack. ]
If you were going to break so many rules, you should have just said so!
[ It's probably overwhelming for Giyuu to deal with this on top of his injuries, but these are just more consequences for his actions, aren't they? Dimitri's own anger and frustration smolder, but something in his heart wrenches at the sight of them.
Were things really better, this time? He feels just as defeated as he had out on the island's beaches, the bonds between them strained and shattered beyond repair. It seems just as wrought and difficult now, for entirely different reasons.
He's not going to hold her back—far be it for him to tell anyone to rein in their anger—but he eventually stops rummaging around for supplies and looks over to Giyuu as well, tone severe but cool in comparison. ]
...You did know, didn't you? That this wouldn't go unpunished.
[ the space between shionbu's borderline vitriol (or maybe it is just vitriol) for him and dimitri's quiet anger, giyuu finds himself on even more brittle ground than before. worse of all, though, is that he doesn't regret it this time. at least, he does turn to look at them, even if it isn't directly at them. he keeps his gaze lowered and thinks of the words that he could use to explain himself.
it takes a while and he knows that every second he wastes on trying to think of a reply worthy of being said, shinobu's anger eats away at whatever remains of her composure. ]
We all knew that there would be consequences for speaking up or for saying too much. [ during that group announcement it was made clear along the conditions of their "win". don't be an idiot and do something stupid? ] Black Shadows had warned me that there would be consequences the night before as well.
[ where was he going with this? ]
I've been testing the rules since we arrived here. [ so much talking. far more socialization that he ever wanted. ] Saturday was the test to see how much could be done before they acted out. I wanted to know what others have been talking about—what questions to ask.
[ ... ]
I never intended to get myself hurt, but I prepared for it.
You didn't intend to! You should have known! It was implied! Are you even more of an idiot than I thought? We all saw what happened to Purple Heart-san! We saw what happened to Flayn-san! Now that you've done this, who knows if it won't escalate! Next time, it could be whoever says something too much or it could be someone near them!
[ She has to bandage her hands, and she swiftly walks over to where Dimitri is and grabs a roll for her hands, but she's shaking in her fury.
She knows Giyuu was trying to help . She doesn't blame him for that. She doesn't mind that. ]
I don't care that you were ready to be punished! We both know what we're ready for at home. You know. I know. I cared that you would at least be upfront with me about it!
[ Her eyes shine with tears again, and she can't bear to look at Giyuu right now. She looks up at Dimitri for a brief moment before she looks just as quickly away.
A part of her feels betrayed somehow, and it eats away at her even though it shouldn't. She really shouldn't be feeling that. More than anything else, she knows it isn't right of her to feel that.
[ Was it a week of having to watch impassively, emotions tamped down, that led to this? Maybe it was all bubbling up before this, too. It's probably been a long time coming, that one of them would be hurt, and the others would have to react this way.
It reminds him sharply of Shinobu's death—and how Giyuu's tears and fury are reflected in her, now.
He keeps that thought to himself for now, grabbing some painkillers and popping the top off, gesturing to Giyuu to extend a palm. They'd seemed to work well enough for Minako. Shinobu's covered the worst of it all, so he just lets out a quiet, heavy breath. ]
...I understand what you meant to do. But I think you should apologize, Giyuu.
[ In case he didn't get catch that cue. He'd said he planned to be honest, this time. ]
[ even with the level of social skills that giyuu possesses, he knows not to rebut shinobu's worries about how things might escalate because it's clear that it will. this was only supposed to be a slap on the wrist, right? an arm as a warning. no one wants to think about what would happen if they over stepped the boundary now. ]
Would an apology be enough cover what I've done?
[ he means this as sincerely as he can manage. giyuu's not above of handing out apologies now, but in a situation like this? (not that he was ever above apologies—he just missed the point of why he needed to apologize.) wouldn't it be wrong for him to apologize? it came to mind but after what shinobu has clearly spelled out to him... ]
I didn't hide what I found. I made sure to tell you what I learned as quickly as I could. [ he just never explained the depths of how deep he was going to get these bits of information where he could, which goes unsaid.
... he pauses for another moment as he extends his hand towards dimitri. something else comes to mind but he decides against it. he doubts it would make any of this better. ]
[ She exhales, and her anger doesn't leave her but it does recede from the surface, slipping back to where it's always simmering because Shinobu is tired of how even when they try to communicate, there's something missing. Shinobu's heart aches because there is something unsaid.
She's sad and angry at their situation and what the circumstances have put them in. She hates it. Her anger will do no more good here. ]
[ For a second, he looks irritated. It's not the same as the twisty anger that runs so rampant in him, but something a little tired, like the remnants of a brighter flame. He's not furious with Giyuu. Just frustrated at him.
His greater anger is saved for the forces behind all this, and everything is tempered somewhat by concern. He taps out a few painkillers for him, going to go grab some water while avoiding looking into either of their eyes.
It's a strained silence, and not a pleasant atmosphere, but he has to wonder if things will get better from here, or worse. ]
[ "explain what" is the first thing that comes to his mind but he wagers that he knows what they want to know?
shinobu said that she hated it when he gave long explanations for things that one time, didn't she? hm. he wagers that today—at this moment—might be an exception to that and takes the the painkillers in hand as he waits for dimitri to return with some water. he looks at the pills in his hand as he considers where to start. everyone has told him from the beginning... but wouldn't that take too long to explain?
then again, he's already too tired and too much in pain to think things through in their entirety. this will be the most he will ever talk in a tag uninterrupted i swear. ]
I cannot make up for what happened on the island, however I can do things differently here than I could have back then.
[ he has his agency. he has his mind. he's allowed to be the person that he wasn't and couldn't be on the island. this almost comes out as a confession. but, of course, he'll never ask for forgiveness or their trust. ]
I've been trying to find out who are on each team and what their abilities are—offering mine in exchange. [ kind of obvious?? he has expressed how much he hated the secrets and the rules. ] After speaking with Kocho, I began to wonder about what items there were available to the teams. However, when it was confirmed that my team was the winning team and that had items with effects, I made sure to constantly check in with some of them to track down what they had and what they did.
[ random visits. forced conversations... creating ties to new people who he never would have spoken to. giyuu lifts his head and looks over towards both shinobu and dimitri but not directly at them. ]
When it became clear about items being possibly used—I didn't want to hold back just because of some consequences when there was a murderer to catch. [ how could they expect him to be quiet? himself or someone else? the choice between the two should be obvious. ] ...and after trial, I used the suspicion of what team I was on to further see how many answers I could get. I've even have gone as far as trying to finding a way to arrange for everyone on my team to meet.
Black Shadows is the current winning team and knowing who they are and what they hold can be key in tracking down what items could be used for murders even if the items are gifted away.
[ Shinobu hates this. It's not the explanation she hates. It's not what he's doing that she hates. It's so much more than that. Giyuu isn't wrong. His reasoning isn't wrong. She doesn't think his actions were wrong, but at the same time, it pains her.
He's been doing so much. In a way, she's surprised, and in another way, she isn't. He really has grown, gone farther than she thought he could. If circumstances were different, she could be happier about this. She is still happy in her own way, her heartbeat loud in her ears.
She finishes wrapping her hands and looks over at Giyuu, something so impossibly vulnerable in her eyes, as fleeting as a flutter of a butterfly's wings. ]
Did you think I would have stopped you, if you told me? One of the first things I did here was break a rule. I want the truth out there as much as anyone else, but did you think I cared so little about you? Did you not trust me enough to tell me this was what you were doing?
[ Would she be so furious, if she didn't care? Would she have had her ability to trust was so affected because she didn't care? ]
We could have split up the work. Why do you have to go about it alone? Why did you think you should've taken the risk alone? If anyone should, you know who of us should—
it was funny that she brings that onto the table because it was one of the reasons why he held back but none of it matters because as soon as their eyes meet all words and reasoning escape him as the memory hits him. it isn't new information to him. he already knew this. it's been the reason why he has been so stupidly determined to do everything he could.
he doesn't want to see her like this. the anger. the despair... giyuu recalls the crow's announcement and how it only informed him that she fell and nothing more. is it worse now or not after what they experienced together on the island he isn't sure. he has made peace with it. he forced himself to make peace with it in order to focus on what he was doing here.
words still fail him as he turns away from shinobu and towards dimitri for a moment to see how he was handling it completely unaware of what he was supposed to do. dimitri shouldn't have been stuck in the middle of this with them. this is some of the weight that shinobu and he carried through the island and into here—
the only thing that he has ever wanted to, do for both of them if he was allowed, was to protect them. the ice melted and the waters of his heart creating waves, he's tired of watching people die in front of him. he has been so tired for so long. just once—
[ Giyuu's explained Pillars as a loose concept, and there's been passing mention of demons, but there's something about seeing it all click together and seeing the ruthless context that sends a tremor through his hands as the memories play out, one mixed right into the other.
It's not that he hasn't seen monsters before. It's the exhaustion in the memories, death heavy at their heels, Shinobu's ribs crushed like they're his own, the ringing in Giyuu's ear when things go deaf, a familiar agony of loss, the feeling of having to stand up while being torn down to absolutely nothing.
That's, apparently, a Pillar. Both of them have someone to protect in their memories—of course they'd want to do the same here, at whatever cost.
It's frustrating. It's helplessness. He feels young and weak again, experiencing so much when there's nothing he can do about any of it—it's all foregone, written into the past, and even if he were in their world, there was no helping them. He can't stop what's already happened—and he hasn't done anything to save them here. He just left them after the island, and—
He blinks back to reality and the sound of running water, where he hasn't shut off the sink. It's surreal how placid the present is; it takes him a moment to remember where he is. He draws in a full, shuddered breath free of any blood and smoke and falls into total silence; he hasn't cried since the months after his family burnt away, but he feels the hot sting of tears at his eyes again, some horrible swell of emotions that are both his and not, his voice hoarse and warbling. How awful. How absolutely cruel. Living is so miserable sometimes, but, ]
Are you both...
[ Have they been dead all this time? Could anyone survive what he just witnessed? ]
[ The roll of bandages drops to the ground, drawing a wavy line as it unravels. She recognizes the feelings they both have, the pain of a failing body, the desire to protect above all else, the helplessness, the shock that settles in after so much death and loss—
She breathes out once everything settles and shuts her eyes to find herself again, blinking away the tears. So much more makes sense now than it doesn't. Her hands tremble, and she tries to find any words to say.
All she can think is to answer his unfinished question for now. ]
No. If he were, I wouldn't be so angry at his recklessness. He still has a life to live.
[ Her voice the usual clarity and firmness. She feels too much to not let all the trauma affect her. ]
[ the feeling of helplessness that dimitri's memory blankets them is a familiar pain that he has felt before. a pain that was unbearable for him to deal with and so did away with it. (why did they had to die in order for me to live?) he turned his heart into an unmoving ocean with a surface like glass, but that didn't happen to dimitri, did it?
no, he went through something else. in a terrible succession of memories, they unfortunately understand something about the other more than they'd like. giyuu can no longer hide the depths of his motivations. this issue now is how giyuu will have to unfortunately explain that he can't say if he survived. clearly dimitri has lived beyond his memory. he has known about shinobu for what feels like months even though it only happened moments ago back "home". but himself? ]
I don't know if that's true, Kocho. [ he says evenly. he doesn't cry like either of them but he can't face them and only grabs fistfuls of his haori—the patterned side. his voice is uncharacteristically weak. ] That's the last thing I remember before we woke up on the island.
[ does he live? does he die? he doesn't know—he only knows that he has a life to live and to cherish. he had forgotten that for so long, but now it's a life that he wants to use to protect someone. ...but is it a life that he still have? ]
[ The memories make a migraine bloom in his head; he swipes away his tears with his thumb, not bothering to hide them. There's no shame in crying, but it's strange. He's exhausted the misery of his own past enough that it shouldn't affect him so viscerally.
But compounded with everything, it's suddenly difficult to talk about it all again, so he sets aside for now, coughing once as he tries to collect himself. The ache of loss doesn't fade, the pains of three people bearing down in one small room, but he grits out some words. ]
—You could still win. You have to go back and save him, don't you—?
[ The uncertainty isn't an excuse to be reckless. It doesn't matter if Dimitri doesn't know who this boy is, Giyuu had still resolved for help him, didn't he? As for Shinobu—did she have any hope at all? He doesn't fear for her any less, just because her life might be...
Was that why she'd tricked him? Because she was already—? His chest clenches again, breaths coming out shaky. His voice comes out more exposed and raw than he means for it to—it doesn't befit his station, and he just doesn't have the heart to care right now. ]
I'm so tired of this—this miserable game. This notion of having you all taken away, again and again. Of you—rushing to whatever graves we have here.
Make it true, Tomioka. His head is gone, and even if that demon is still moving, you have a chance. You always have a chance as long as you're still standing.
[ As long as Giyuu can move, he'll always have a chance no matter how slim. There is enough hope resting on Tanjiro's shoulders to make up for the three of them, who are unsteady and reeling from one traumatic memory to the next.
She fills a glass of water, and she's not sure who it's for. Dimitri, herself, or Giyuu. She sets it down for anyone, as if a drink of water could settle any of this.
Is the glass half-full or half-empty? ]
Here, death is not the end. Please remember that. Until everyone can find a way to dismantle what's at work, we don't know who'll be targeted any given week.
[ It's an unfortunate truth. She hates thinking about it, but she can't shut her eyes to the reality. ]
I would be overcome if either of you lost your lives.
[ How far would her rage and grief go even if logically, she knows there's a place where the dead go? Where the dead can see and communicate, however piecemeal?
It's unfair of her to ask them to be more accepting of her possible death, if only because she is dead, has already died, but... ]
If I somehow do end up on that side, I will be all right.
[ if there were any thoughts running through his head about what was being said and the lingering emotions and memories that surrounded them, they all come to a screeching halt with shinobu's final words. even though he knows, he's still an idiot for thinking like this he can't stop himself. ]
Enough, Kocho. [ his head snaps up and he finds shinobu with his eyes, focusing on her. he's exhausted beyond comprehension and he's in so much pain that he can't give it the time of day or otherwise it would just consume him. ] I've seen you die twice already; I won't let myself see a third time.
[ technically he had watched her die countless of times the other week whenever he closed his eyes. her life ending by his hands. her, urokodaki tanjiro, and— ]
The same goes for you Dimitri.
[ his grip loosens on the patterned portion of his haori and he leans heavily into the bedding looking at the wall as the emotions drain from him. ]
I have no plans to die here, and I will do everything that I can to protect Tanjiro. [ his voice firm and resolute despite his appearance reflects a man who should have stopped pushing themselves miles ago. but if he was going to have a chance to do what he had set his heart on then he would have to push beyond this. he can't rest. ] We'll defeat them and we'll end it once for all. It will be the same here. We'll find the real reason for all of this and rid us of it so we can all go home.
[ He won't accept her death. He's never accepted any death, ever—he can't even accept the idea of compromising. But to Giyuu's point... he eventually nods, resolute. ]
...We will.
[ It will be the same here, but different. Better. As long as they're still standing. Still breathing, fighting.
Even if Giyuu's been reckless, to hear him say he won't die, to try and instill that same drive in Shinobu—it's important. It's not fair of him to keep demanding they live when he'd killed them both to start, but as the weeks drag out, that's what he's wanted, right? A less bloodied end to all of this.
He hadn't trusted them, but he's realizing he hadn't wanted revenge, either. He didn't want them to throw their lives away. So where does that leave him, now? He pulls himself up, even if it's only by a fraction, letting out a long, slow, stabilizing breath. ]
I have matters to attend to at home as well. I cannot afford to die. [ so they've seen, now. ] But I will not allow that to hold me back from fighting alongside the two of you.
[ He pauses, the steel in his words dulling slightly, softer. ]
...I realize I have no room to ask you to trust me after all that I've done. But I want to defeat this again. No matter the cost.
[ Even if they still have a ways to go and old hurts that heal slowly in a heart as bitter as his, even if he isn't ready to move on (because he never is), he wants to try. One step forward. ]
At least Giyuu does not get to see her die a third time because he dies at the same time. Dimitri, on the other hand—
Whatever old hurts Shinobu has from the island still linger, but they're nowhere near the forefront now that weeks have passed in the camp. There are other priorities in her mind, and as unforgiving as she can be, with these two, she doesn't want things to fester. Of all the things that can and can't be said, she wants to be as honest as she can with them.
After everything that happened on the island, that's what she wants the most. She wants them to move forward. ]
I am not going to run to death. I don't intend to die for nothing. I never do. [ It's not the same as the both of them, but it's not like she's ever wanted to die. Even at home, it wasn't because it was what she wanted. If she could have defeated Douma with the poison in her sword, if she could only decapitate him— she would've preferred that so much more, but life is not always fair.
She wants better for everyone, and that's why she smiles. ]
Have I not already told you I do trust you? That I wouldn't be afraid.
[ She meant it. Dimitri drove a dagger into her chest, but if he were going to again, wouldn't it have happened already? ]
I know you two are working your hardest to redeem what happened on the island, and I know you two want to be able to save and protect who you can. I know you both have that drive.
We will find a way to save everyone.
[ No matter the cost. No matter what must be sacrificed. ]
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no subject
He'd seen glimpses of her anger, her emotion—enough that the week before was unsettling and unpleasant. But he hasn't seen it flare quite so strongly, enough to shake tears from her eyes and in her voice.
He doesn't intervene. Instead, he quietly closes the door so they don't have any intrusions, going to collect some more bandages for the both of them. ]
no subject
he keeps his gaze adverted from her—from the two of them. ]
I didn't.
[ he doesn't miss how dimitri managed to tag along with shinobu and he's uncertain about how he should be handling that as well. ]
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[ She raises her right arm sharply, blood dripping from a cut on her palm. Her voice is raw with her tumultuous emotions, the ones she can now feel in full force. She registers that Dimitri came, too, but she is too emotional to care about more privacy. ]
You could at least look at me when you knew this was going to happen! If you feel so stupidly guilty, if you know the weight of what you did! After the island—
[ Her anger makes her choke on her words, and she has to hold herself back from grabbing Giyuu, her entire stance tense as if she wants to attack. ]
If you were going to break so many rules, you should have just said so!
no subject
Were things really better, this time? He feels just as defeated as he had out on the island's beaches, the bonds between them strained and shattered beyond repair. It seems just as wrought and difficult now, for entirely different reasons.
He's not going to hold her back—far be it for him to tell anyone to rein in their anger—but he eventually stops rummaging around for supplies and looks over to Giyuu as well, tone severe but cool in comparison. ]
...You did know, didn't you? That this wouldn't go unpunished.
[ He must have realized what he was saying. ]
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it takes a while and he knows that every second he wastes on trying to think of a reply worthy of being said, shinobu's anger eats away at whatever remains of her composure. ]
We all knew that there would be consequences for speaking up or for saying too much. [ during that group announcement it was made clear along the conditions of their "win". don't be an idiot and do something stupid? ] Black Shadows had warned me that there would be consequences the night before as well.
[ where was he going with this? ]
I've been testing the rules since we arrived here. [ so much talking. far more socialization that he ever wanted. ] Saturday was the test to see how much could be done before they acted out. I wanted to know what others have been talking about—what questions to ask.
[ ... ]
I never intended to get myself hurt, but I prepared for it.
no subject
[ She has to bandage her hands, and she swiftly walks over to where Dimitri is and grabs a roll for her hands, but she's shaking in her fury.
She knows Giyuu was trying to help . She doesn't blame him for that. She doesn't mind that. ]
I don't care that you were ready to be punished! We both know what we're ready for at home. You know. I know. I cared that you would at least be upfront with me about it!
[ Her eyes shine with tears again, and she can't bear to look at Giyuu right now. She looks up at Dimitri for a brief moment before she looks just as quickly away.
A part of her feels betrayed somehow, and it eats away at her even though it shouldn't. She really shouldn't be feeling that. More than anything else, she knows it isn't right of her to feel that.
take your free voucher naru ]
no subject
It reminds him sharply of Shinobu's death—and how Giyuu's tears and fury are reflected in her, now.
He keeps that thought to himself for now, grabbing some painkillers and popping the top off, gesturing to Giyuu to extend a palm. They'd seemed to work well enough for Minako. Shinobu's covered the worst of it all, so he just lets out a quiet, heavy breath. ]
...I understand what you meant to do. But I think you should apologize, Giyuu.
[ In case he didn't get catch that cue. He'd said he planned to be honest, this time. ]
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Would an apology be enough cover what I've done?
[ he means this as sincerely as he can manage. giyuu's not above of handing out apologies now, but in a situation like this? (not that he was ever above apologies—he just missed the point of why he needed to apologize.) wouldn't it be wrong for him to apologize? it came to mind but after what shinobu has clearly spelled out to him... ]
I didn't hide what I found. I made sure to tell you what I learned as quickly as I could. [ he just never explained the depths of how deep he was going to get these bits of information where he could, which goes unsaid.
... he pauses for another moment as he extends his hand towards dimitri. something else comes to mind but he decides against it. he doubts it would make any of this better. ]
no subject
She's sad and angry at their situation and what the circumstances have put them in. She hates it. Her anger will do no more good here. ]
.... Thank you for trying, Dimitri-san.
[ She quietly but expertly wraps her hands. ]
Please explain yourself in full, Tomioka-san.
[ She sounds more defeated than anything else. ]
no subject
His greater anger is saved for the forces behind all this, and everything is tempered somewhat by concern. He taps out a few painkillers for him, going to go grab some water while avoiding looking into either of their eyes.
It's a strained silence, and not a pleasant atmosphere, but he has to wonder if things will get better from here, or worse. ]
...I'm curious to hear as well.
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shinobu said that she hated it when he gave long explanations for things that one time, didn't she? hm. he wagers that today—at this moment—might be an exception to that and takes the the painkillers in hand as he waits for dimitri to return with some water. he looks at the pills in his hand as he considers where to start. everyone has told him from the beginning... but wouldn't that take too long to explain?
then again, he's already too tired and too much in pain to think things through in their entirety. this will be the most he will ever talk in a tag uninterrupted i swear. ]
I cannot make up for what happened on the island, however I can do things differently here than I could have back then.
[ he has his agency. he has his mind. he's allowed to be the person that he wasn't and couldn't be on the island. this almost comes out as a confession. but, of course, he'll never ask for forgiveness or their trust. ]
I've been trying to find out who are on each team and what their abilities are—offering mine in exchange. [ kind of obvious?? he has expressed how much he hated the secrets and the rules. ] After speaking with Kocho, I began to wonder about what items there were available to the teams. However, when it was confirmed that my team was the winning team and that had items with effects, I made sure to constantly check in with some of them to track down what they had and what they did.
[ random visits. forced conversations... creating ties to new people who he never would have spoken to. giyuu lifts his head and looks over towards both shinobu and dimitri but not directly at them. ]
When it became clear about items being possibly used—I didn't want to hold back just because of some consequences when there was a murderer to catch. [ how could they expect him to be quiet? himself or someone else? the choice between the two should be obvious. ] ...and after trial, I used the suspicion of what team I was on to further see how many answers I could get. I've even have gone as far as trying to finding a way to arrange for everyone on my team to meet.
Black Shadows is the current winning team and knowing who they are and what they hold can be key in tracking down what items could be used for murders even if the items are gifted away.
no subject
He's been doing so much. In a way, she's surprised, and in another way, she isn't. He really has grown, gone farther than she thought he could. If circumstances were different, she could be happier about this. She is still happy in her own way, her heartbeat loud in her ears.
She finishes wrapping her hands and looks over at Giyuu, something so impossibly vulnerable in her eyes, as fleeting as a flutter of a butterfly's wings. ]
Did you think I would have stopped you, if you told me? One of the first things I did here was break a rule. I want the truth out there as much as anyone else, but did you think I cared so little about you? Did you not trust me enough to tell me this was what you were doing?
[ Would she be so furious, if she didn't care? Would she have had her ability to trust was so affected because she didn't care? ]
We could have split up the work. Why do you have to go about it alone? Why did you think you should've taken the risk alone? If anyone should, you know who of us should—
[ It should be her. Enjoy the memory! ]
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it was funny that she brings that onto the table because it was one of the reasons why he held back but none of it matters because as soon as their eyes meet all words and reasoning escape him as the memory hits him. it isn't new information to him. he already knew this. it's been the reason why he has been so stupidly determined to do everything he could.
he doesn't want to see her like this. the anger. the despair... giyuu recalls the crow's announcement and how it only informed him that she fell and nothing more. is it worse now or not after what they experienced together on the island he isn't sure. he has made peace with it. he forced himself to make peace with it in order to focus on what he was doing here.
words still fail him as he turns away from shinobu and towards dimitri for a moment to see how he was handling it completely unaware of what he was supposed to do. dimitri shouldn't have been stuck in the middle of this with them. this is some of the weight that shinobu and he carried through the island and into here—
the only thing that he has ever wanted to, do for both of them if he was allowed, was to protect them. the ice melted and the waters of his heart creating waves, he's tired of watching people die in front of him. he has been so tired for so long. just once—
( 1, 2 & 3 ) ]
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It's not that he hasn't seen monsters before. It's the exhaustion in the memories, death heavy at their heels, Shinobu's ribs crushed like they're his own, the ringing in Giyuu's ear when things go deaf, a familiar agony of loss, the feeling of having to stand up while being torn down to absolutely nothing.
That's, apparently, a Pillar. Both of them have someone to protect in their memories—of course they'd want to do the same here, at whatever cost.
It's frustrating. It's helplessness. He feels young and weak again, experiencing so much when there's nothing he can do about any of it—it's all foregone, written into the past, and even if he were in their world, there was no helping them. He can't stop what's already happened—and he hasn't done anything to save them here. He just left them after the island, and—
He blinks back to reality and the sound of running water, where he hasn't shut off the sink. It's surreal how placid the present is; it takes him a moment to remember where he is. He draws in a full, shuddered breath free of any blood and smoke and falls into total silence; he hasn't cried since the months after his family burnt away, but he feels the hot sting of tears at his eyes again, some horrible swell of emotions that are both his and not, his voice hoarse and warbling. How awful. How absolutely cruel. Living is so miserable sometimes, but, ]
Are you both...
[ Have they been dead all this time? Could anyone survive what he just witnessed? ]
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She breathes out once everything settles and shuts her eyes to find herself again, blinking away the tears. So much more makes sense now than it doesn't. Her hands tremble, and she tries to find any words to say.
All she can think is to answer his unfinished question for now. ]
No. If he were, I wouldn't be so angry at his recklessness. He still has a life to live.
[ Her voice the usual clarity and firmness. She feels too much to not let all the trauma affect her. ]
But Dimitri...
[ Is that where his thirst for vengeance began? ]
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no, he went through something else. in a terrible succession of memories, they unfortunately understand something about the other more than they'd like. giyuu can no longer hide the depths of his motivations. this issue now is how giyuu will have to unfortunately explain that he can't say if he survived. clearly dimitri has lived beyond his memory. he has known about shinobu for what feels like months even though it only happened moments ago back "home". but himself? ]
I don't know if that's true, Kocho. [ he says evenly. he doesn't cry like either of them but he can't face them and only grabs fistfuls of his haori—the patterned side. his voice is uncharacteristically weak. ] That's the last thing I remember before we woke up on the island.
[ does he live? does he die? he doesn't know—he only knows that he has a life to live and to cherish. he had forgotten that for so long, but now it's a life that he wants to use to protect someone. ...but is it a life that he still have? ]
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But compounded with everything, it's suddenly difficult to talk about it all again, so he sets aside for now, coughing once as he tries to collect himself. The ache of loss doesn't fade, the pains of three people bearing down in one small room, but he grits out some words. ]
—You could still win. You have to go back and save him, don't you—?
[ The uncertainty isn't an excuse to be reckless. It doesn't matter if Dimitri doesn't know who this boy is, Giyuu had still resolved for help him, didn't he? As for Shinobu—did she have any hope at all? He doesn't fear for her any less, just because her life might be...
Was that why she'd tricked him? Because she was already—? His chest clenches again, breaths coming out shaky. His voice comes out more exposed and raw than he means for it to—it doesn't befit his station, and he just doesn't have the heart to care right now. ]
I'm so tired of this—this miserable game. This notion of having you all taken away, again and again. Of you—rushing to whatever graves we have here.
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[ As long as Giyuu can move, he'll always have a chance no matter how slim. There is enough hope resting on Tanjiro's shoulders to make up for the three of them, who are unsteady and reeling from one traumatic memory to the next.
She fills a glass of water, and she's not sure who it's for. Dimitri, herself, or Giyuu. She sets it down for anyone, as if a drink of water could settle any of this.
Is the glass half-full or half-empty? ]
Here, death is not the end. Please remember that. Until everyone can find a way to dismantle what's at work, we don't know who'll be targeted any given week.
[ It's an unfortunate truth. She hates thinking about it, but she can't shut her eyes to the reality. ]
I would be overcome if either of you lost your lives.
[ How far would her rage and grief go even if logically, she knows there's a place where the dead go? Where the dead can see and communicate, however piecemeal?
It's unfair of her to ask them to be more accepting of her possible death, if only because she is dead, has already died, but... ]
If I somehow do end up on that side, I will be all right.
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Enough, Kocho. [ his head snaps up and he finds shinobu with his eyes, focusing on her. he's exhausted beyond comprehension and he's in so much pain that he can't give it the time of day or otherwise it would just consume him. ] I've seen you die twice already; I won't let myself see a third time.
[ technically he had watched her die countless of times the other week whenever he closed his eyes. her life ending by his hands. her, urokodaki tanjiro, and— ]
The same goes for you Dimitri.
[ his grip loosens on the patterned portion of his haori and he leans heavily into the bedding looking at the wall as the emotions drain from him. ]
I have no plans to die here, and I will do everything that I can to protect Tanjiro. [ his voice firm and resolute despite his appearance reflects a man who should have stopped pushing themselves miles ago. but if he was going to have a chance to do what he had set his heart on then he would have to push beyond this. he can't rest. ] We'll defeat them and we'll end it once for all. It will be the same here. We'll find the real reason for all of this and rid us of it so we can all go home.
[ every single one of them. ]
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...We will.
[ It will be the same here, but different. Better. As long as they're still standing. Still breathing, fighting.
Even if Giyuu's been reckless, to hear him say he won't die, to try and instill that same drive in Shinobu—it's important. It's not fair of him to keep demanding they live when he'd killed them both to start, but as the weeks drag out, that's what he's wanted, right? A less bloodied end to all of this.
He hadn't trusted them, but he's realizing he hadn't wanted revenge, either. He didn't want them to throw their lives away. So where does that leave him, now? He pulls himself up, even if it's only by a fraction, letting out a long, slow, stabilizing breath. ]
I have matters to attend to at home as well. I cannot afford to die. [ so they've seen, now. ] But I will not allow that to hold me back from fighting alongside the two of you.
[ He pauses, the steel in his words dulling slightly, softer. ]
...I realize I have no room to ask you to trust me after all that I've done. But I want to defeat this again. No matter the cost.
[ Even if they still have a ways to go and old hurts that heal slowly in a heart as bitter as his, even if he isn't ready to move on (because he never is), he wants to try. One step forward. ]
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At least Giyuu does not get to see her die a third time because he dies at the same time. Dimitri, on the other hand—
Whatever old hurts Shinobu has from the island still linger, but they're nowhere near the forefront now that weeks have passed in the camp. There are other priorities in her mind, and as unforgiving as she can be, with these two, she doesn't want things to fester. Of all the things that can and can't be said, she wants to be as honest as she can with them.
After everything that happened on the island, that's what she wants the most. She wants them to move forward. ]
I am not going to run to death. I don't intend to die for nothing. I never do. [ It's not the same as the both of them, but it's not like she's ever wanted to die. Even at home, it wasn't because it was what she wanted. If she could have defeated Douma with the poison in her sword, if she could only decapitate him— she would've preferred that so much more, but life is not always fair.
She wants better for everyone, and that's why she smiles. ]
Have I not already told you I do trust you? That I wouldn't be afraid.
[ She meant it. Dimitri drove a dagger into her chest, but if he were going to again, wouldn't it have happened already? ]
I know you two are working your hardest to redeem what happened on the island, and I know you two want to be able to save and protect who you can. I know you both have that drive.
We will find a way to save everyone.
[ No matter the cost. No matter what must be sacrificed. ]